August 08, 2007
GUEST BLOGGER: Miriam Tan-Fabian
It's not for lack of trying - being a housewife is not for me. Coming from a moderately well-to-do background, I really didn't learn all those 'housewife-ly' chores until AFTER I got married. As far as I could remember, we always had helpers in the house, so that wasn't the most conducive condition to learn chores, especially the very physical ones. For most of my life, I lived in the city, worked for four and a half years as a research associate, had city friends, loved eating out, going to gigs, and took up some Masteral units. It was very hectic pace, but I loved it.
To say that I was culture-shocked when we moved to Olongapo is the understatement of my life. Though I never learned to like cooking and we hired a labandera to do our laundry, I made the best of the situation. I trained myself to wake up early in the morning, buy breakfast, iron my husband's clothes and learn the balancing act of simultaneously relating with my husband while eating and feeding my baby boy. When my husband would leave for work, I'd immediately wash the dishes and then my son Sil's bottles, boil them and use the boiled water for his bath, coax the baby to sleep then clean house.
This happened day-in and day-out and though we only had a tiny house, the routine got to me after awhile. It also didn't help that - except for my husband - there was never anyone to talk to. The farthest I got was talking with my mom-in-law's pastor's sister who was also from Manila, and I only got to talk to her once!
I also tried to apply for a job in Subic but was only told that I was overqualified time and time again. There didn't seem to be any kind of job fit for me. I've always wanted to hone my writing skills, but at the time, there were no local publications that catered to my writing style. I couldn't help myself from spiraling into depression. I started not to care how I looked. I began picking fights with my husband, even going as far as breaking one of his limited edition mugs. At the lowest ebb, I developed a skin condition that caused sores in my earlobes, but I did not bother to deal with it due to my depression. My husband had to force me to have my hair cut really short to help my condition.
On my husband's side, he held a relatively high-paying position, but he hated his work and the dog-eat-dog corporate mindset. He forced himself to work every day, feeling as if he betrayed his real self. To make matters worst, he worked within a politically divided company which had several syndicates inside. And to keep sane, he'd always dream of making music, and the idea of staying at home was becoming more and more attractive to him. Unlike me, he is domesticated -- loves to cook and fix things around the house.
Almost three years ago, my dad died. Being an only child, we had to move back to Laguna from Olongapo and live with my mom. We came to accept the fact that I am the career mother type and Erick is the domesticated father. I was able to go back to work while my husband stayed at home and took care of Sil. While I became the breadwinner, he has taken on occasional outsourced projects as web designer/graphic artist to augment my income. Currently, we have more plans to make sure that Erick has a continuing supply of these projects.
Needless to say, both our parents did not understand at first. Through both subtle and explicit means, they pressured Erick to take a conventional job, or even tried to convince me to pressure him. Underneath all the drama, they thought that traditionally, a man should always be the breadwinner in the family. Some of my office colleagues did not understand either. During times of financial difficulty, I sometimes get suckered into thinking the same. There is still a small part of me that feels dependent and needy for a "breadwinning man," except I know that taking care of the house and kids is a thankless, payless calling that is even more challenging than a typical 8 to 5 job.
It does get easy while we live this game called "life". While I don't want to be constantly explaining our lives, there have been times when we still have justify ourselves to the traditionalists-that-be. But I like to point out that a couple's relationship shouldn't be about stereotypical roles. It's about complementing each other; it's about playing to our strengths and minimizing weaknesses. In the end, it's all about respecting our uniqueness as persons and not being enslaved by labels.
Right now, we are more or less satisfied with our setup. I've always loved working in the academe, and I get to meet more people to network with during events and out-of-town conferences. Eventually, I also had the chance to write for a magazine and a newspaper column. (And now, this blog, too!)
It's not for lack of trying - being a housewife is not for me. Coming from a moderately well-to-do background, I really didn't learn all those 'housewife-ly' chores until AFTER I got married. As far as I could remember, we always had helpers in the house, so that wasn't the most conducive condition to learn chores, especially the very physical ones. For most of my life, I lived in the city, worked for four and a half years as a research associate, had city friends, loved eating out, going to gigs, and took up some Masteral units. It was very hectic pace, but I loved it.
To say that I was culture-shocked when we moved to Olongapo is the understatement of my life. Though I never learned to like cooking and we hired a labandera to do our laundry, I made the best of the situation. I trained myself to wake up early in the morning, buy breakfast, iron my husband's clothes and learn the balancing act of simultaneously relating with my husband while eating and feeding my baby boy. When my husband would leave for work, I'd immediately wash the dishes and then my son Sil's bottles, boil them and use the boiled water for his bath, coax the baby to sleep then clean house.
This happened day-in and day-out and though we only had a tiny house, the routine got to me after awhile. It also didn't help that - except for my husband - there was never anyone to talk to. The farthest I got was talking with my mom-in-law's pastor's sister who was also from Manila, and I only got to talk to her once!
I also tried to apply for a job in Subic but was only told that I was overqualified time and time again. There didn't seem to be any kind of job fit for me. I've always wanted to hone my writing skills, but at the time, there were no local publications that catered to my writing style. I couldn't help myself from spiraling into depression. I started not to care how I looked. I began picking fights with my husband, even going as far as breaking one of his limited edition mugs. At the lowest ebb, I developed a skin condition that caused sores in my earlobes, but I did not bother to deal with it due to my depression. My husband had to force me to have my hair cut really short to help my condition.
On my husband's side, he held a relatively high-paying position, but he hated his work and the dog-eat-dog corporate mindset. He forced himself to work every day, feeling as if he betrayed his real self. To make matters worst, he worked within a politically divided company which had several syndicates inside. And to keep sane, he'd always dream of making music, and the idea of staying at home was becoming more and more attractive to him. Unlike me, he is domesticated -- loves to cook and fix things around the house.
Almost three years ago, my dad died. Being an only child, we had to move back to Laguna from Olongapo and live with my mom. We came to accept the fact that I am the career mother type and Erick is the domesticated father. I was able to go back to work while my husband stayed at home and took care of Sil. While I became the breadwinner, he has taken on occasional outsourced projects as web designer/graphic artist to augment my income. Currently, we have more plans to make sure that Erick has a continuing supply of these projects.
Needless to say, both our parents did not understand at first. Through both subtle and explicit means, they pressured Erick to take a conventional job, or even tried to convince me to pressure him. Underneath all the drama, they thought that traditionally, a man should always be the breadwinner in the family. Some of my office colleagues did not understand either. During times of financial difficulty, I sometimes get suckered into thinking the same. There is still a small part of me that feels dependent and needy for a "breadwinning man," except I know that taking care of the house and kids is a thankless, payless calling that is even more challenging than a typical 8 to 5 job.
It does get easy while we live this game called "life". While I don't want to be constantly explaining our lives, there have been times when we still have justify ourselves to the traditionalists-that-be. But I like to point out that a couple's relationship shouldn't be about stereotypical roles. It's about complementing each other; it's about playing to our strengths and minimizing weaknesses. In the end, it's all about respecting our uniqueness as persons and not being enslaved by labels.
Right now, we are more or less satisfied with our setup. I've always loved working in the academe, and I get to meet more people to network with during events and out-of-town conferences. Eventually, I also had the chance to write for a magazine and a newspaper column. (And now, this blog, too!)
Labels: culture, motherhood, parenting
April 20, 2007
The schoolyear may be over (for local schools, anyway), but earlier this week, PDI decided to run a story about the culture of bullying that takes place on campus grounds. Stranger yet is the VA Tech student massacre that had to happen like, a day later. Talk about serendipity of the worst kind.
Anyway, the article opens with the writer's personal account of her son as the unfortunate target of bullying from a higher-ranked fencing teammate, and delves into the systems that encourage (rather than discourage) bullying to continuously take place in exclusive schools. It's specifically aimed at parents - especially those who have witnessed their own child being bullied by a classmate, peer or even a group of people who look down on those who are either 'unlike' or 'don't measure up' (my quotations).
The writer also cites Dr. Honey Carandang, who tackles the psychological aspects of bullying. She manages to pack a few punches of her own by addressing the following:
a.) Bullying can be learned at home, especially if a parent, who is obviously looked onto as a role model, exhibits such tendencies. Taming the bully, however, requires a degree of intervention on the part of both parent and child.
b.) There are many faces to a bully. Apart from the stereotypical tough guy, bullies can come in groups. Because of how social hierarchies in school operate, bullies can develop status over time - so even the admirable "it" crowd is capable of bullying. And by bullying, it's not always the physical kind. Bullying can be emotional, in the form of outright rejection or ostracism.
c.) Even school authorities are complicit in allowing this culture of bullying to take place by choosing to turn a blind eye, to the point of trivializing the threat by suggesting that the bullied student should learn to fend for himself or herself.
d.) Often, students who unwillingly find themselves in this seemingly endless battlefield feel that suicide is the only way out of being bullied and ostracized. (Dr. Carandang has dealt with a number of cases.)
e.) If the schools in our country don't get their act together to address this problem by reorienting the school system, it'll get only worse. The possible approximation or alternate reality? We could be short of a Columbine blood bath, if the student decides to "hit back".
f.) Bullying can be further prevented if students were more encouraged by the schools to get hobbies or throw their passions in extra-curricular activities.
I don't always take expert opinions at face value, but it's rare that I come across those that aren't sugar-coated with forced optimism and faux Zen-like contentment. Having said that, I think it's cool that Dr. Carandang addressed this bullying problem in schools as something that is sadly overlooked in the very institutions that are supposed to educate students in the first place. It's easy to waste authoritative spit on social propriety and upbringing, but perpetual lip service isn't gonna keep those bullies at bay. And when the bullies do have their way, the last ones to know about it are precisely the ones who run the school. Or have they decided to let the bullies take over the school instead, enforcing their own stupid social hierarchies by deciding who's 'hot' or 'not', or too 'promdi' for that matter? Who actually rules the school?
It seems that parents who invest in their children's education may not really know (or even care) what their children are getting out of it. Bottomline is, they're there to learn. But whether the kids are alright is another thing. There's enough academic pressure in making the grade, but when it comes to getting along with the rest, the classroom can be a real social pressure cooker. Some kids can't penetrate existing social bonds (cliques), or don't really get by on uniqueness alone (that is, when uniqueness = perceived eccentricity, not the so-called uniqueness that gets one votes as class president). In fact, it's really easy to make someone feel left out when s/he isn't as rich or as branded or as conformist or even into the whole school spirit thang.
And of course, who really wants to come off as looking "socially inept", even to their own parents? Especially when the problem doesn't really lie with the kid enduring all sorts of emotional bullying and ostracism, but that s/he just wasn't lucky enough to find the right mix of classmates that s/he can relate with?
Granted, the article roots for the bullied child by giving it both a pro-parental intervention slant and addressing school administrations to get their heads out of their asses by coming up with necessary preventive measures (like school-wide anti-bullying programs). However, it lacks the more level-headed recourse to ingesting toxic liquids like detergent or making like the lone two-gun-toting psycho and shooting classmates at random - namely the ability to cope through the most uncalled-for rite of passage that certain students have to go through, at the risk of being marked for rejection and tagged "the social misfit" during their most crucial, coming-of-age.
I think it's important that students who feel the exclusion no matter how hard they tried to fit in should try not to let the classroom politics get to them. More than anything, they should be encouraged to focus on their own interests and social networks elsewhere, even if it means that most friendships actually take place outside of school. While school administrations have yet to realize they need to get their act together for the sake of their own students' sanity and well being, it always helps to talk to an adult - a guidance counselor or any older person, someone who is patient and understanding enough to listen and can give his/her own two cents on the matter. It may take a while to develop the nerves of steel required to tune out those shallow peeps that tried to ruin your life, but when it boils down to it, you have more pressing concerns at the moment, like taking charge of your own parasite-free life, keeping your grades afloat and, of course, graduation, your ticket out of there.
Connie Veneracion of the famous Sassy Lawyer blog, is living proof that parents know what's going on with their kids. A year ago, she recounted an incident in school where her daughter was a target of sexism. Her daughter retaliated when one of the guys laid a hand on her. The school administrator, in turn, lectured the girl about how it is improper for girls in general to fight back, not even out of self-defense. This led to a critique in the school's system, which does not offer protection to female students, let alone encourage them to protest when they have been wronged.
The right to good quality education (Article 10) is a right guaranteed by CEDAW, but with all the social traumarama going on in schools and the safety and well-being of students not 100% guaranteed, how can our Filipina students parttake of the experience of learning and knowledge that is rightfully theirs? For those harsher lessons in high school life, we're brought back to the big D: Discrimination. And it operates on many levels - classism, sexism (males to females, or even females to females), regionalism - even something as petty as brand of shoes or looks.
Anyway, the article opens with the writer's personal account of her son as the unfortunate target of bullying from a higher-ranked fencing teammate, and delves into the systems that encourage (rather than discourage) bullying to continuously take place in exclusive schools. It's specifically aimed at parents - especially those who have witnessed their own child being bullied by a classmate, peer or even a group of people who look down on those who are either 'unlike' or 'don't measure up' (my quotations).
The writer also cites Dr. Honey Carandang, who tackles the psychological aspects of bullying. She manages to pack a few punches of her own by addressing the following:
a.) Bullying can be learned at home, especially if a parent, who is obviously looked onto as a role model, exhibits such tendencies. Taming the bully, however, requires a degree of intervention on the part of both parent and child.
b.) There are many faces to a bully. Apart from the stereotypical tough guy, bullies can come in groups. Because of how social hierarchies in school operate, bullies can develop status over time - so even the admirable "it" crowd is capable of bullying. And by bullying, it's not always the physical kind. Bullying can be emotional, in the form of outright rejection or ostracism.
c.) Even school authorities are complicit in allowing this culture of bullying to take place by choosing to turn a blind eye, to the point of trivializing the threat by suggesting that the bullied student should learn to fend for himself or herself.
d.) Often, students who unwillingly find themselves in this seemingly endless battlefield feel that suicide is the only way out of being bullied and ostracized. (Dr. Carandang has dealt with a number of cases.)
e.) If the schools in our country don't get their act together to address this problem by reorienting the school system, it'll get only worse. The possible approximation or alternate reality? We could be short of a Columbine blood bath, if the student decides to "hit back".
f.) Bullying can be further prevented if students were more encouraged by the schools to get hobbies or throw their passions in extra-curricular activities.
I don't always take expert opinions at face value, but it's rare that I come across those that aren't sugar-coated with forced optimism and faux Zen-like contentment. Having said that, I think it's cool that Dr. Carandang addressed this bullying problem in schools as something that is sadly overlooked in the very institutions that are supposed to educate students in the first place. It's easy to waste authoritative spit on social propriety and upbringing, but perpetual lip service isn't gonna keep those bullies at bay. And when the bullies do have their way, the last ones to know about it are precisely the ones who run the school. Or have they decided to let the bullies take over the school instead, enforcing their own stupid social hierarchies by deciding who's 'hot' or 'not', or too 'promdi' for that matter? Who actually rules the school?
It seems that parents who invest in their children's education may not really know (or even care) what their children are getting out of it. Bottomline is, they're there to learn. But whether the kids are alright is another thing. There's enough academic pressure in making the grade, but when it comes to getting along with the rest, the classroom can be a real social pressure cooker. Some kids can't penetrate existing social bonds (cliques), or don't really get by on uniqueness alone (that is, when uniqueness = perceived eccentricity, not the so-called uniqueness that gets one votes as class president). In fact, it's really easy to make someone feel left out when s/he isn't as rich or as branded or as conformist or even into the whole school spirit thang.
And of course, who really wants to come off as looking "socially inept", even to their own parents? Especially when the problem doesn't really lie with the kid enduring all sorts of emotional bullying and ostracism, but that s/he just wasn't lucky enough to find the right mix of classmates that s/he can relate with?
Granted, the article roots for the bullied child by giving it both a pro-parental intervention slant and addressing school administrations to get their heads out of their asses by coming up with necessary preventive measures (like school-wide anti-bullying programs). However, it lacks the more level-headed recourse to ingesting toxic liquids like detergent or making like the lone two-gun-toting psycho and shooting classmates at random - namely the ability to cope through the most uncalled-for rite of passage that certain students have to go through, at the risk of being marked for rejection and tagged "the social misfit" during their most crucial, coming-of-age.
I think it's important that students who feel the exclusion no matter how hard they tried to fit in should try not to let the classroom politics get to them. More than anything, they should be encouraged to focus on their own interests and social networks elsewhere, even if it means that most friendships actually take place outside of school. While school administrations have yet to realize they need to get their act together for the sake of their own students' sanity and well being, it always helps to talk to an adult - a guidance counselor or any older person, someone who is patient and understanding enough to listen and can give his/her own two cents on the matter. It may take a while to develop the nerves of steel required to tune out those shallow peeps that tried to ruin your life, but when it boils down to it, you have more pressing concerns at the moment, like taking charge of your own parasite-free life, keeping your grades afloat and, of course, graduation, your ticket out of there.
Connie Veneracion of the famous Sassy Lawyer blog, is living proof that parents know what's going on with their kids. A year ago, she recounted an incident in school where her daughter was a target of sexism. Her daughter retaliated when one of the guys laid a hand on her. The school administrator, in turn, lectured the girl about how it is improper for girls in general to fight back, not even out of self-defense. This led to a critique in the school's system, which does not offer protection to female students, let alone encourage them to protest when they have been wronged.
The right to good quality education (Article 10) is a right guaranteed by CEDAW, but with all the social traumarama going on in schools and the safety and well-being of students not 100% guaranteed, how can our Filipina students parttake of the experience of learning and knowledge that is rightfully theirs? For those harsher lessons in high school life, we're brought back to the big D: Discrimination. And it operates on many levels - classism, sexism (males to females, or even females to females), regionalism - even something as petty as brand of shoes or looks.
Labels: education, media, motherhood, parenting
