GUEST BLOGGER: Miriam Tan-Fabian

It's not for lack of trying - being a housewife is not for me. Coming from a moderately well-to-do background, I really didn't learn all those 'housewife-ly' chores until AFTER I got married. As far as I could remember, we always had helpers in the house, so that wasn't the most conducive condition to learn chores, especially the very physical ones. For most of my life, I lived in the city, worked for four and a half years as a research associate, had city friends, loved eating out, going to gigs, and took up some Masteral units. It was very hectic pace, but I loved it.

To say that I was culture-shocked when we moved to Olongapo is the understatement of my life. Though I never learned to like cooking and we hired a labandera to do our laundry, I made the best of the situation. I trained myself to wake up early in the morning, buy breakfast, iron my husband's clothes and learn the balancing act of simultaneously relating with my husband while eating and feeding my baby boy. When my husband would leave for work, I'd immediately wash the dishes and then my son Sil's bottles, boil them and use the boiled water for his bath, coax the baby to sleep then clean house.

This happened day-in and day-out and though we only had a tiny house, the routine got to me after awhile. It also didn't help that - except for my husband - there was never anyone to talk to. The farthest I got was talking with my mom-in-law's pastor's sister who was also from Manila, and I only got to talk to her once!

I also tried to apply for a job in Subic but was only told that I was overqualified time and time again. There didn't seem to be any kind of job fit for me. I've always wanted to hone my writing skills, but at the time, there were no local publications that catered to my writing style. I couldn't help myself from spiraling into depression. I started not to care how I looked. I began picking fights with my husband, even going as far as breaking one of his limited edition mugs. At the lowest ebb, I developed a skin condition that caused sores in my earlobes, but I did not bother to deal with it due to my depression. My husband had to force me to have my hair cut really short to help my condition.

On my husband's side, he held a relatively high-paying position, but he hated his work and the dog-eat-dog corporate mindset. He forced himself to work every day, feeling as if he betrayed his real self. To make matters worst, he worked within a politically divided company which had several syndicates inside. And to keep sane, he'd always dream of making music, and the idea of staying at home was becoming more and more attractive to him. Unlike me, he is domesticated -- loves to cook and fix things around the house.

Almost three years ago, my dad died. Being an only child, we had to move back to Laguna from Olongapo and live with my mom. We came to accept the fact that I am the career mother type and Erick is the domesticated father. I was able to go back to work while my husband stayed at home and took care of Sil. While I became the breadwinner, he has taken on occasional outsourced projects as web designer/graphic artist to augment my income. Currently, we have more plans to make sure that Erick has a continuing supply of these projects.

Needless to say, both our parents did not understand at first. Through both subtle and explicit means, they pressured Erick to take a conventional job, or even tried to convince me to pressure him. Underneath all the drama, they thought that traditionally, a man should always be the breadwinner in the family. Some of my office colleagues did not understand either. During times of financial difficulty, I sometimes get suckered into thinking the same. There is still a small part of me that feels dependent and needy for a "breadwinning man," except I know that taking care of the house and kids is a thankless, payless calling that is even more challenging than a typical 8 to 5 job.

It does get easy while we live this game called "life". While I don't want to be constantly explaining our lives, there have been times when we still have justify ourselves to the traditionalists-that-be. But I like to point out that a couple's relationship shouldn't be about stereotypical roles. It's about complementing each other; it's about playing to our strengths and minimizing weaknesses. In the end, it's all about respecting our uniqueness as persons and not being enslaved by labels.

Right now, we are more or less satisfied with our setup. I've always loved working in the academe, and I get to meet more people to network with during events and out-of-town conferences. Eventually, I also had the chance to write for a magazine and a newspaper column. (And now, this blog, too!)

Labels: culture, motherhood, parenting